Letters to Myself
by Igraine
Summary: What happens to Connor now that he has a real life?


Title: Letters to Myself  
  
Summery: Takes place post 4th season. Connor, in his new life, is being haunted by a past he can't remember, and by a girl he can't recall. Will be a Connor/Faith story.  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, if I did, then Connor wouldn't of been sent away.  
  
A/N- in this story, Connor's name is Sam  
  
Dark. Dark was the color that so often filled his dreams. Or so it was lately anyway. It was strange really. He came from a happy family, had a beautiful girlfriend who loved him, and had nothing but sunshine in his future. Yet his dreams were dark. Full of blood, full of fear. Full of crazy thoughts that woke him in the middle of the night, panting and wet in a cold sweat.  
  
And there was longing. Longing for a girl in his dreams. A girl with dark curls that flowed down her back, and raspberry lips that he thought would look perfect in a smile. But there never was a smile. The smooth pale face that never fell together all the way was always clenched at the jaw. The Dark brown eyes that glowed, were always cold. He longed to remember her face, her curves, her voice, but when he awoke, it was always gone, he was left simply with the haunted eyes.  
  
And there was fear. Fear of creatures that could not possibly be real. Fear of a man with dark eyes and hair. A man whose face lay soft and warm, until it would take on a horrifying change. A man whose presence meant both safety and death.  
  
And there was confusion. A shadow man, in every dream, standing, sometimes laughing sometimes crying. With this man came a name. A name that he wrote down the first time he awoke from one of these dreams, so that he would not forget it. 'Connor'. But that was all he had of him. He never saw his face, never heard his voice. But, he knew that all of the dreams connected to him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the voice of a little girl came from downstairs. "TRACY'S HERE" the voice continued.  
  
Sam sat up in bed, brushing his hair back from his face, and yawned. He looked at his clock, 12 noon. He had slept in. "I'll be down in a minute" he shouted while climbing out of bed. He stretched his arms above his head, letting out another huge yawn. His sleep patterns had been quite strange since the dreams started a week or two ago.  
  
He placed his hands on the sides of his head, concentrating on this last dream, begging it to come back to him. It had been about that girl again, he knew it. She had been laying down, sleeping, or had she been dead? There was bruises, scratches, or were there? as he focused on the memory, it slipped further and further away, until the only thing he was sure about was that it was about that girl.  
  
He shook his head, and walked on, into his bathroom. He had planed to take a shower this morning, but there was no time now, so he just splashed some water on his face, sprayed on some deodorant, and brushed his teeth. He ran a comb through his hair, deciding it was time for a haircut, and then walked back into his room, and pulled on a pair of blue jeans.  
  
Sam looked around his room for a nice shirt, thinking to impress Tracy, but then decided it wasn't worth it, and pulled on a gray T-shirt, that made his eyes seem an even more violent shade of blue. He pulled on a pair of hiking boots over his bare feet, and hopped downstairs, being stopped halfway down by his little sister.  
  
"Mom says that you and Tracy spend to much time together, I agree, she's always here" she said.  
  
"Well, she wont be today, we're going out" he told the young girl. He gave her a pat on the head as she rolled her eyes, and she continued her way upstairs, and he continued his way down.  
  
Tracy was a small girl. She was only a couple of inches over five feet tall, and had a petite curved figure. Connor stood about eight inches above her, and had to bend over quite a bit to lay a quick little kiss on her cheek. She smiled brightly at him, which lit up her face. She had very black hair that fell down to her shoulder blade. Her skin was an ivory white, and her lips the color of Blood. He used to tease her about being a snow white look alike when they were in middle school, but he hadn't called her that for a while. Her eyes stood out under her long dark lashes, in a bright green color. She was wearing a pair of jean shorts, and a tight black shirt, with a low neckline that showed off the curves of her breasts.  
  
"Did you just wake up" She asked him.  
  
Sam nodded, knowing it was pointless lying, for she could always tell. "My alarm clock didn't go off" he lied. For he could very distinctly remember hitting his alarm clock with all his strength, wanting to drift back into whatever dream he had been having. The abused clock lay quite broken on his night stand upstairs. Do you want to go now? Or do you want a cup of coffee or something?" he asked her.  
  
"Oh, let's just go now" she said smiling at him again.  
  
This made him happy, for he was eager to show her this place. It was a place he remembered from his earliest days of childhood. A place him and his family used to go too for picnics. There was about a three mile hike to get to it, but it was worth it. "I hope you're ready for a hike" he said to her.  
  
Tracy sighed a little, "I thought we were having a picnic" she said. She wasn't really an out doors kind of girl.  
  
"We are, we just have to hike to get to our picnic place" Sam said. She let out another sigh, but he ignored it. He walked into he kitchen, where his mom was currently baking what looked like some form of cookie. Her sandy red curls fell in to her face, as she stirred the dough.  
  
"I packed you guys a pack with water and food" his mom said smiling brightly. "I knew that you would forget" she added.  
  
"Thanks" Sam said, he had forgotten. "I should be back before dark" he told his mom. He walked up behind her and stuck his finger in the cookie dough, grabbing out a small chunk and eating it. His mom rolled her eyes, but didn't scold him.  
  
"Well, be safe" she said to him. "The paths up there can be dangerous in some places".  
  
"Yeah yeah, I know mom" he said. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, and shooed him out of the kitchen.  
  
"Well, let's go" Sam said to Tracy. "The hike takes a little while, and I told my Mom we'd be back before dark" he put the pack over his shoulders, and opened the door, letting Tracy go out first.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sam's picnic place was little known to the public. It was a place that his mom and dad had stumbled onto once while lost, years before Sam was born. It was a nice little green meadow, with a shallow little creek then ran adjacent to it. There was all sorts of wild flowers growing, that filled the air with a lovely aroma.  
  
It was surrounded by a thick growth of bushes and trees, except for the narrow path that led into the isolated area, so that nobody that didn't know exactly where to find it, would have lots of trouble getting there. In all of Sam's years of coming up here, he had never seen a stranger. Which was how Sam liked it, because he often came up here to think. And for that, he liked to be alone.  
  
And as he led Tracy down the hill into the meadow, he was filled to the brim with joy, because he truly did love this place. "Isn't it amazing?" he said to his girlfriend.  
  
"Yeah, it's really something" she said admiring a nearby patch of flowers. She threw her arms up around his neck, and looked up into his blue eyes, her own green eyes dazzling. "I bet we have a lot of privacy here" she said with a suggestive smile.  
  
Sam smiled right back at her, and leaned down, pressing his lips against her perfect Red mouth.  
  
Darkness, fire. Fire raining, falling, falling from the sky. Lips, warmth. Fear. Anticipation. Hunger.  
  
Sam pulled back from Tracy as the images left his brain. "What is it?" she asked him. His face had gone a very unhealthy shade of white, and she was worried, for the kiss he had just given her was very different from the usual.  
  
Sam took a step back from her. "Nothing" he lied. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying to remember what it was that just hit his brain. He had felt like he was kissing someone else, at a completely different time. And he was filled with a sense of dread, yet at the same time joy. And the woman, the woman he couldn't see, because his eyes were closed, but he knew that it wasn't who he usually dreamed about. And his feelings that went towards her were all jumbled in a mess of confusion.  
  
He shook his head, as slowly he began to forget the specifics of it, and looked up to meet Tracy's worried gaze. "Sorry" he said taking a step back to her, and he reached out and entwined his fingers around her hand. "My head was aching a bit for a minute there" he hated lying to her, but everything in his mind was so mixed up that he knew he couldn't explain.  
  
It was a really nice picnic. They sat right by the creek, and ate their grapes and sandwiches while talking about future plans. "I think maybe I want to be a doctor" Sam said thinking. "Real, I just want to help people. Maybe I can go live in one of those third world countries, and give medicine to starving children" he commented.  
  
Tracy gave one of her light laughs, "I can't see you working anywhere with out cable television and a play station" she teased.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I'll just stick to pediatrics in the U.S. then" he said. He put his arm around her shoulder, and she leaned against him, tilting her head back so she could see his face.  
  
She reached one over her fairy like hands up to his cheek. Sam loved her hands. They were small, and pale and smooth, with the gentlest touch. She caressed his cheek with her thumb, studying him. "you're getting worry lines on your forehead, what has been stressing you out so much?" she asked.  
  
"Nothing" he answered, "I'm fine". He placed his hand at the back her neck, and pulled her towards him, locking his mouth onto hers, so that she wouldn't ask anymore questions. He moved his hand up, entwining it in her silky hair. And her hands found their way to his shoulders, pulling them both back, so that he was laying on top of her.  
  
His lips touched her pales cheek, her gentle jaw, her ear lobe, and eventually found their way to the hollow of her neck. His hands traveled under her shirt, touching he warm skin that lay on her hip, and stomach, finding the silky material of her bra, and resting there. His lips found her mouth again, and they rejoiced at the sweetness of her.  
  
Fire. Raining fire. Pleasure. Pain. Scared. Father. What would he say? Cordilia. How will it be tomorrow.  
  
Plants. Trees. Ground. Tracy. TRACY. Sam pulled away from the girl that lay beneath him. He tried to remain calm. Tried to smile at her. He hoped that she wouldn't catch on. Hoped that she wouldn't notice the sudden paleness in his face. He hoped that she wouldn't see the crease between his brows. That she wouldn't see the tears forming at the corner of his eyes.  
  
What was going on? Why was he feeling all of these things? Who was the girl he had just seen. And the name, what was the name that flashed in his mind?  
  
A shadow fell across Tracy's face. Sam quickly kissed her again, covering up his panic. Why was he panicking? "We should go now" he said to her, "the sun is beginning to set, and this isn't a very fun trail in the dark.  
  
Tracy frowned, bringing a stern curve to her flushed face. "I suppose you're right" she said glaring at the setting sun.  
  
"Do you want to come over for dinner?" he asked, "Mom always loves having you" he hoped she would say no. He wanted to go home and think. Think about what was going on, think about how to deal with it all. He needed to remember what was going in and out of his head.  
  
"Can't" she said. Sam held back a sigh of relief. "My Brother is coming home for the weekend with his new girlfriend. I'm expected to be there to night for dinner" she explained.  
  
"Ah, well, maybe another time then" Sam said stroking her cheek, then slowly moving away from her to pick up their things. 


End file.
